Smoke in my Eyes
Gemini 2 & 3 // Lords of cruelty & ruin...and other cheery topics for end of spring.
Welcome to BiblioArcana! The place where I talk about books, tarot and anything else on my mind (religious trauma, anyone?) and maybe how it helps me live a more beautiful life. It looks like I’ll probably be posting less regularly through the summer - maybe every two weeks? Just because nature is in full bloom doesn’t mean I have to be! Thanks so much for reading. xo Linds
I went to Florida a week ago and it was an amazing weekend full of friends and books by the pool and trying new things (oysters!) and hoping for a sea turtle sighting by the light of a full moon. But as our plane flew into Detroit on Monday morning I couldn’t understand why everything looked foggy out my window. What was this golden haze hovering over the airport?
It only took a few hours (and an alarming bright red map on my weather app) to discover that the air quality was shockingly bad due to the wildfires raging in Canada and the smoke traveling to our backyards. My nervous system kicked into gear and I found myself having to up my meditation and breath-work game last week as the anxiety hummed through my body. There’s a lot to be anxious about these days, but there is something so viscerally terrifying about the literal air being unsafe to breathe.
The cards for the end of Gemini season are the 9 and 10 of swords - I would argue two of the most terrifying minors in the deck! In the first card a person is sitting up in bed having just woken up from a nightmare and surrounded by 9 swords. The 10 of swords is more alarming than even the death card, imo - a person lies facedown on the ground with a back full of swords. It’s so dramatic it could almost be darkly humorous - like, is 10 really necessary? Death by a thousand cuts? Are you ok, buddy?
Even though these cards are known in the esoteric Thoth deck as the lords of cruelty & ruin, (there are no bad cards, lolz) these cards can also offer an unexpected comfort in their ability to not bypass any pain. They validate us. They say, this is hard. Life is hard. Sometimes we literally lose sleep or feel that we will never be able to get back up again. I drew the 9 swords once for a dear friend who was losing sleep after a difficult diagnosis. It was validating to see herself reflected in the cards, even if the reflection was grim.
Before my trip to Florida I actually drew the 9 of swords for myself which was a little confusing as I was about to embark on a vacation, but I took it to mean let this trip help you ease your mind and relieve your anxious thoughts. Enjoy this time. Sleep well! It was funny then that I had bizarre and vivid dreams the first two nights of the trip.
There are nightmares all around us - raging wildfires, indifferent politicians, billionaires existing while friends have to crowdfund for medical debt, and the constant barrage of religious trauma1 that resurfaces just by living in this *christian* country. A soundbite from an evangelical politician, a billboard for right to life, a conservative book titled God & Cancel Culture (where even am I?) being passed around at a family fish fry…these are how I die by a thousand cuts.
Swords represent the element of air: our thoughts, ideas, neuroses. I can sense when my thoughts are getting more real estate than they require when I feel distracted, scattered and unmoored. I literally start to leave my body and just exist as a floating head. One of my favorite images to use recently has been of a pyramid - when my anxiety is running the show I’m like an upside down pyramid. All of the energy is in my brain and my body is trying to balance on a tiny point of contact. It is impossible to balance a pyramid on that point - it’s completely unstable! I now own multiple crystal pyramids to remind myself of this helpful somatic image to bring some of the energy that is swirling around in my head back down into my body. If I continue to feed my worry, to not turn the pyramid right-side-up, I end up at the 10 of swords: complete collapse.
As I bob between the worry of the 9 and the defeat of the 10 card, I try desperately to remember that this is a journey of Gemini season and the Lovers. The Lovers card is about connection - to yourself and others - and offers me a way out of my spinning, catastrophic thoughts. When I see the divine in others, I’m reminded that even when I don’t understand you I don’t have to fear you. When I seek connection I remember that I’m not alone in this world that is on fire. Like
said this week: we can’t escape each other. And when I greet my worry with gentle lovingkindness, it can be right-sized to one small voice instead of 10 gleaming swords through my back2. May you find the medicine in connections big and small, and may you extend love to others and find it radiating back to yourself.Self-Compassion by James Crews3
My friend and I snickered the first time
we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,
call himself honey, with a hand placed
over his heart to illustrate how we too
might become more gentle with ourselves
and our runaway minds. It’s been years
since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,
holding back our laughter, but today
I found myself crouched on the floor again,
not meditating exactly, just agreeing
to be still, saying honey to myself each time
I thought about my husband splayed
on the couch with aching joints and fever
from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—
or considered the threat of more wildfires,
the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,
then remembered that in a few more minutes,
I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty
the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe
that can’t be fixed until next week. How long
do any of us really have before the body
begins to break down and empty its mysteries
into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once
without a trace of irony or blush of shame—
the touch of my own hand on my chest
like that of a stranger, oddly comforting
in spite of the facts.
If you’re unfamiliar, you can read more about religious trauma here. Or at the fantastic Substacks //
and //Books help too! Here’s what on my TBR list:
LINDSEY!!!! "When I see the divine in others, I’m reminded that even when I don’t understand you I don’t have to fear you. When I seek connection I remember that I’m not alone in this world that is on fire", absolutely gorgeous. I'm happy you were able to find some glimmers on your vacation.
I love what you've said about traditionally scary cards being validating. With the terrible air quality recently, my symptoms were so much worse, and I kept pulling really intense cards, and while jarring, it helped me process.