When precious energy is waning...
Capricorn 3 // on resourcing vs gollum-ing
A Sunday morning post? It has been dangerously cold here (near-30F windchill) and schools have been closed for days…and days. I’m actually sending this on the weekend for this very reason, it’s taken me all week to finish edits. How are things where you are? I hope you’re staying warm!
The card for this week feels like a cosmic joke from the Universe. The four of pentacles is a card about wealth and resources and boundaries. The comedy is that, for me personally, this card often represents scarcity and it is aligning perfectly with a week in which all my kids were home for an extra FIVE days due to the holiday weekend and multiple snow days.
When an introverted1 mom is stuck at home and literally cannot send the kids out to play, the Universe sends her this message: How can you set boundaries? How can you resource yourself? Look sweetie, I’ll keep reminding you until you remember, THERE IS ENOUGH.
Even now, after organizing one single hour of “quiet time” I’ve had to chase multiple kids back to their room so I can continue to write in peace. One child acted confused as if I didn’t just say “everyone to their own rooms for ONE hour.” The other one was affronted.
The corresponding majors for this decan say everything you need to know about snow days in my world: The Sun + The Devil. They’re the best of times & worst of times. I love open ended days with my kids. Truly, I do. We paint, we puzzle, we bake. And I also get exhausted. My emotional battery takes a long time to recharge on a good day, and with endless days of talking, touching, bickering sometimes it never really gets back up to a full charge.
This card is often associated with characters like Ebenezer Scrooge or King Midas - the mythic king who wanted wealth so much that he wished to have everything he touched turned to gold. His wish was granted and he learned the hard way that money isn’t everything when even his food turned to gold and finally his beloved child. And that is a great reminder of this card. But more than just money, this card has come to represent inner-hoarding to me.
By inner-hoarding, I mean holding tight to my time and energy. This most often looks like emotional distancing - checking out, escaping to my phone, hiding in the bathroom, etc. There is a lot I love about being an introvert, but I don’t like this part. The itchiness I feel when I start getting touched-out. The way I tune them out, or worse shut them down in the middle of a story when I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want my kids to remember me as distant, as having so little energy by the end of the night that I practically ran out of their rooms after a quick kiss on the head. Love you, byeeeee.
But the other posture I can take when I sense my emotional battery running low is the white-knuckle approach. This worked for most of my life, until it didn’t. Maybe it was kid #3, I’m not sure, but eventually I couldn’t just muscle my way through. Eventually I started to drown. I describe it as feeling like you’re treading water and suddenly you dip your toe down and realize there is no bottom. This often happened during the ceaseless baby days, or the unhealthiest seasons of homeschooling, or when my spouse was MIA in the heat of a political campaign. Or a few months into Covid lockdown.
We cling to things to make ourselves feel more secure, but the reality is that clinging just feeds our anxiety. The clinging makes us less likely to notice the good things here and now. When I cling to my golden coins of energy I become more repelled by the people who love me, and I perceive everyone as a threat.
Don’t get me wrong, this card is also about boundaries. Our bodies communicate with us when we need space or quiet and we can and should honor that. I am learning how to tell my kids that I need more quiet or an uninterrupted 30 minutes in my room, and I trust that this is teaching them how to ask for what they need! But I also know my own tendency to avarice. An old word for greedy, avarice is less about wealth for me and more about a desperate desire to not feel depleted. The golden coins in my pile represent peace, tranquility, spaciousness and silence. When I sense someone needing more from me that I have in reserves I turn into Gollum.
So this week I’ve tried to make a subtle shift in my posture. When I perceive my energy running low I try to imagine those golden coins shimmering in my hands. Instead of gripping them tighter, I imagine releasing them. Rumi says2 “A wealth you cannot imagine flows through you” secluded in your inner heart-house. I can turn toward my heart-house anytime, the wealth is always there.
When one kid is a barnacle and intones but I just need youuu can I take a breath and let them sit at the counter while I work or cook? When one kid is telling me an endless story about the book they’re reading, can I loosen my white-knuckle grip on silence and let them finish, relishing the fact that this teen talks to me at all. Can I recharge by doing a puzzle quietly with one child instead of needing complete solitude? Can we read in the same room and bask in the enchantment of a snow day together? Maybe. And maybe I’ll be a little bit enchanted, and a little bit stingy. I think the Universe can work with that.
This morning I went out to feed the chickens and give them some snacks (leftover grilled cheese and oatmeal) and warm water to drink. When it is freezing cold they tend to stay in their coop all day and need to be coaxed out for hydration. There was a squirrel scurrying around in the cottonwood above me with her arms full of leaves. I felt a warm connection to that little being who was clearly taking advantage of the sunshine to add some more insulation to their nest. I too want to build up my resources, not to hoard them and isolate myself, but to prepare for the cold days when I need them to keep me and the ones I love warm.
Introverted. Sensitive. Enneagram 5. INFP. What I’m saying is I’m the life of the party.
I really identify with the inner hoarding versus white knuckle approach (I often call it trying to “good mother” my way through the crises, which always ends very badly). And the creative process of opening the fist, offering and receiving. This month I picked up embroidery as a brand new hobby, to help me stay present while my daughter needs me beside her, or when she engages me in the same scripted pretend play repeatedly all day. It’s so much easier on my soul if I’m embroidering through the repetitive engagements. It’s just one of those creative third ways that open up.
"The four of pentacles is a card about wealth and resources and boundaries. The comedy is that, for me personally, this card often represents scarcity"
I'd be curious to hear more about how you interpret the cards. Is it based on personal experiences? (I'm still learning tarot)